I felt an urge to blog about this but I am still not sure why?
I think that potentially, it is because of the sheer lack of empathy that one of my close friends had for his partner in a particularly hard time which, has impacted on their relationship to this day.
Roughly 10 months ago a very close friend of mine and his partner let me know that they were expecting their first child together, although they had informed me earlier than I expected I was of course, over the moon to hear their great news and excited for them.
Sadly before the 12 week stage, my friends partner suffered a miscarriage, I was devastated for them.
This led me to try and understand more about miscarriages and I quickly found out to my surprise, that 1 in 6 pregnancies often end in a miscarriage (higher than I assumed).
I read forums, blogs, social media groups and so on to try and understand the emotional stress that both of my friends were going through so that, I could try and support where possible.
Some time passed and both seemed to be ‘ok’ then a little more time passed, and it was clear that things were not actually that good.
A weekend away with a couple of the guys proved this.
Now, to give you a little background on my friend he isn’t the healthiest of guys, he’s a heavy smoker, likes to drink (often) and in large quantities, works long hours and rarely exercises.
Combined with this he is in a high pressured job and earns quite a lot of money and comes across as very confident but I have always thought deep down, that he is incredibly insecure and is use to people telling him how great he is…..
he is focussed on making lots of money, living a great life (socially) and likes the finer things in life. This is not an issue.
Where the issue comes in, is that his insecurities mean he always needs to be surrounded by people his partner however; quite clearly enjoys spending quality time with him and not constantly having the guys over every single weekend, all weekend.
The ‘quality’ time is few and far between these days and is clear to see.
While we were away with the guys he opened up to me about how things haven’t been great in their relationship. Sexually things have gone downhill which didn’t surprise me. After something so upsetting happened it is understandable that sex may not be top of the list.
I sympathised with him and asked if he had spoken to his partner about this, he wouldn’t answer me. I assumed he had not. Not an easy subject to always discuss without upsetting people I guess, especially after a miscarriage.
What happened next amazed me. My friend turned to me and said “if we can’t have a child in the next year i’ll have to consider if this relationship has a future”.
I was gobsmacked if I am honest. His partner is an incredible woman, clearly struggling with the miscarriage and to be perfectly honest my friend clearly has not dedicated enough time to her emotionally to help her move on.
I also understand that he is incredibly hurt by it still emotionally whereas his partner had both the physical and emotional trauma to deal with.
I asked the following three questions:
- have you told her this?
- have you both spoken to anyone about how you feel?
- What are you doing personally to make things better?
He couldn’t answer any of them, which meant no to all of them.
I have been friends with this guy for 15 years and I could not believe what was coming out of his mouth, I couldn’t hold it in.
“you are the problem” I said.
I continued to tell him that he had done nothing to improve this situation and that by putting 99% of the ‘blame’ on his partner was the reason things were so bad.
He was angry.
I continued to tell him, you are drinking to much, smoking to much and most importantly you are not spending enough time with your partner who, quite clearly is emotionally and physically vulnerable.
I continued to tell him that he is more interested in time with the guys, Instagramming his amazing social life rather than spending ‘quality’ time with his partner to work on the problems that they have.
A few home truths later and I think some clarity had began to hit home, I can only hope that this is the case.
So a long story short, I love my friend very much he is a good guy but having to tell him he was wrong especially with such a sensitive subject was tough, he needed to hear it.
Sometimes people know they are wrong but they chose to ignore it, they shove their head in the sand as much as physically possible and pretend that life is great, even when it is awful and hard to talk about.
I guess what I am trying to say is, stop putting filters on life. Real life is not Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. Not every day is good and that’s ok, that’s life.
But don’t blame others for the problems you have if quite simply, you are part of the problem.
Be honest, face up to the problems you have, work them out.
Life is not one big fake Instagram filter, people have feelings and emotions.